My Sir has decided to end our contract - at least for the time being. I won't be able to write much today about this, as I'm only now beginning to have it sink in. I've spent the last week that he took to make his decision trying to show him through my actions that this is not the course I want for us. But of course in the end, these things are his decision, not mine. I had become convinced he was having a change of heart, though.
I disobeyed him. It's been this one area - or at least as far as I'm aware this is the primary area and reason, although it's possible and now that I think of it likely that there are other things he just hasn't shared with me. But my thinking about this and my possible solutions really involved more control, less use and implementation of my own will - at least to begin with. We have a long distance relationship, and although we are in nearly constant contact each day, there are times we go for longer periods without contact. I thought that at first, more of a strict and formalized, ritualized relationship would help me maintain the headspace I need. I don't have his glances, touches, words, constant small adjustments and corrections along my way to keep me centered. Instead I veer off the road entirely it seems, periodically. It's not sudden, it's definitely a drift of sorts, but its so internal there's no way he'd be aware of it. I think now that I have identified ways I could correct this, make him aware, but I guess it's too little too late.
So for now, I'm in a state of limbo. He's taking the month to think more, then may reconsider by the new year. I'm trying to look at it as being "under consideration" but it's difficult to not feel somehow rejected, failed, flawed.
I can do things without permission now, without informing him or asking. I may not call him Master or Daddy any longer. He uses my name now, and its like being stabbed when he does it. My heart feels both empty and heavy at once, although he is still very much a presence in my life, knowing I've disappointed him so much that he's pushing me out this way just hurts.
