Its been awhile since I've written here. I've decided to use this as a place to begin the internal work that seems to need doing, if I"m to continue on this path successfully and completely. I'm following a book I found on becoming a slave and answering questions at the end of each chapter as a way to explore my intentions and understanding so I can be a better slave to my Master.
Its not that I have intended to play at slavery. However, I think on some level I have been adhering to the aspects I find the easiest - submitting my body, sexually, being obedient, without allowing the psychological changes to occur. Its difficult for me to take myself seriously, to not be afraid of being caught and ridiculed, by others or by myself. I've avoided any conscious examination of the effects, implications and meaning behind slavery. When I was younger and wanted to be an actress, I spent hours in front of the mirror, practicing lines, lip syncing to songs, working on expressions and dance moves, trying to figure out how to look sexy or happy or sad, scared, elated, interested... whatever role I was playing. At times I'd be walked in on by my parents - but usually I had warning. Now and then I'd feel someone might be watching and that I wasn't alone, and I'd feel this wave of embarrassment, that I'd be admiring myself and mugging in the mirror. It was of course the most fun, and better and I was really good when I was unconscious and unafraid anyone might be watching.
With the things I do as a slave, someone always is watching. Someone who matters very much to me, someone whose approval I want to win. And so, on some level, I fear that exposure. When I ask permission, its almost as if I fear he'll laugh at me, mock me, think I'm being too much, asking too often, not knowing when and why I need to ask. Not certain he understands it's the asking that makes me feel owned, that if I had to ask before I ate, or slept or picked out an outfit I would be fine. How much control does he want, should I solicit more, or is that being controlling? Or will he think me mindless? I want him to think I'm smart and capable, not needy and indecisive. I think my image of a slave, of myself as a slave, is something I'm not quite comfortable with. I remember him teaching me how to ask permission. I wanted to so badly, to ask for this thing from him, or to kneel, but the manner to get from here to there was just a black hole in my mind. The process of lowering to the ground a blank. It's not that I can't it's that my head stops me.
I heard about the concept of slavery in an erotic manner when I was only a child, and my parents allowed me to choose several items from the bookstore, as it was in the science fiction section. I liked the cover - a warrior-like man and an equally beautiful woman at his feet, similar to man romance novels in the positioning of the women in relation to the men, I doubt they gave it a second thought.
The sexual aspect of the idea of slavery immediately appealed to me - in fact, that's all I remember about Gor. The sex scenes, the eroticism of surrender, of being made to do things and having no choice or responsibility, that made it okay. The being shared with other men, passed around, but owned only by one - again, the freedom I suppose to be a slut but in an approved manner and still not responsible, not willing necessarily but always owned by someone else, never left alone and unwanted, as I imagined bad girls often were in real life.
All those feelings though, I put away into a box inside my head and never thought on them for very long. I think it strange now, that it didn't occur to me that at least one other person, the author of the books, felt as I did, fantasized about the same things. It didn't occur to me that other readers must also feel that resonance of something about his words. I know I felt it was something to keep secret, something, like all things sexual, to keep inside.
The sex aspect aside, however, there is an emotional component to slavery that I'm only now really trying to put words and names to. The desire and need to submit, to commit, to give my self entirely to another, to please and serve and make someone happy, make their life better and more pleasant by what I do for them. Not just by what I do, but for them to court and accept my pliability to them.
I've always tried to please the one I loved or was interested in loving. To a large degree this meant an attempt to alter myself to conform to their needs, preferences and likes. This has been a source of conflict for me because I think the way I was raised is you find someone who loves you for who you are, who doesn't expect you to change. Part of the thing I question the most about slavery, or my idea of it, is the concept of altering myself to fit into someone else's paradigm. What I want the most in a relationship, at base, is someone who wants that conformity, who doesn't make me feel as if I have no sense of self or ego because I want to submit. I've found someone obviously who fits to me and who suits me, who is my match. However I never sat down and consciously began a search for such a man. I've always assumed, deep down, that such a man as I want might not want me. I might be too difficult because while I desire inside to submit, there's a part of me that resists that very instinct in myself and most people don't recognize the "protesting too much" as what it is, they just see the protest, not the interest behind it, the desire and the fear of admitting it.
I think my desire to conform and be molded to my Master, to strive to become his perfect companion, mate, plaything, whatever, is what I have to offer. I think also my intelligence and ability to love strongly and completely is also something I have to offer. I just need to learn to make these offers despite the audience that might be there, and might not approve, and be willing to alter my level and direction and style to suit my Master, if necessary.
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