So, my Sir (my Owner, my Prince, my Love, my Daddy but not yet my Master) is not always able to be at my side. And sometimes a pain slut needs ... pain. So I went out recently on my own to play. On my own, but never alone.
Sir and I discussed this at length - my apprehension at my ability to behave appropriately as his property was high. I'm so used to acting according to my own will in many ways, following my own impulses and whims, this would be a challenge for me. Not due to my imposing my own will, but just due to the lack of it occurring to me that we could want different things sometimes.
Not that my will is in any way at odds with his. It's more some personal issues with boundaries he's helping me with. Testing myself without him physically by my side would be difficult. I've opted to avoid playing, and when that became too awkward at those kinds of events, I've avoided them entirely.
So I went out. Dressed in my corset, a skirt and a faux collar (for I am not yet a slave entirely) I set out determined to find someone sadistic in this town to play with. There had to be someone willing to hurt me and abide by my limits, right?
I found him. However, as is often the case among the people I know, negotiation and discussion was fairly cursory - I told him generally that I don't want my scenes to be sexual. People tend to think based on how you move and sound that any play is sexual, and it can be but pain is its own separate sensation from sex. So I clarify that now, no sexual touches, and what can be used on me and what can't.
This man is a friend - someone I trust enough that he knows what he's doing, that he cares for my well-being and is sane. However, the very first thing done, and probably my fault now that I think of it, because I said no D/s play either and didn't stop him even though it could have fallen under that category - was he pulled out a leather demi-hood to cover my eyes. I hesitated, thinking it was a full hood (and I'm very claustrophobic) but didn't say anything. Once I saw it was just covering my eyes I relaxed but I could have just said I didn't want it on my head. Or better yet, reminded him it wasn't negotiated.
However I realize now that I'd already transferred power somewhat by asking him if I should have my shoes on or off. I sort of did it as a courtesy, just curious what he thought, the way I'd ask someone if I need a coat on the way out the door. He said shoes off, and I took it as an opinion, not an order. However, maybe he took it another way?
So, I've already allowed the blindfold and he pulls out leather cuffs and puts them on my hands. He's one of these who likes ritual when he's playing. Since he's artistic and the same astrological sign as me, I think I understand. Its a ritual he very likely performs in each scene, the things that put him in the right head space - the hood, the cuffs, probably done in a certain way or order... and I guess this may be another reason I went along with it, because I don't want to deny him that small thing any more than I deny a friend who wants to sit in a particular seat when we're out.
I know this is a strange way to look at things during a BDSM scene. I become ultra polite, ultra concerned about NOT doing something to offend or insult anyone, because I really don't know if there are norms.
At any rate my concerns, my problems, my issues, my choices and preferences become a huge issue between my Sir and I. Because my body isn't mine. I told him what we were doing, canes, floggers, whips. No mention of restraints, no mention of hoods, no mention of the nipple play or wharton wheel that was used on me later. Some of that might have been okay with him, but it was just that it wasn't negotiated and that's what we were working on and I failed.
None of it violated me personally. My play partner kept his word as far as the specific things I said not to do. I don't feel he pushed any boundaries, or did anything he felt was likely to push boundaries. But he did introduce elements that weren't discussed. And it caused a huge problem for my Sir and I.
He wants me to be safe, to not take the risks, to behave like an adult. And there are things I just don't always see. Nuances to which I'm blind, but which are black and white and not nuances at all once explained to me. It's very frustrating for me, this learning his way, and failing in obedience when that isn't my intent.
I have always heard dominants say that they don't need to punish, that their displeasure and the knowledge of it sitting in the mind of their submissive is punishment enough. I never really believed it could be that way. However it's true. Knowing I've let him down in something so basic is very difficult, is punishment for me, because I want his approval and praise. It may not be a huge thing, this may be how most submissives feel. But this is not the norm for me, the norm for me is to find a sore spot in a man, and do that thing even MORE - just to assert my independence, make sure they don't become too certain of themselves, too sure of me. This is a change. The gravity I cannot escape.
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