Why is it then, I believe it possible to fool him myself? I recently confessed something to him, only to realize it was something he'd already figured out about me, based on my responses and reactions. I didn't know whether I felt relief, or distress. On the one hand relief that he accepts me as I am and that there is nothing I cannot tell him. On the other hand, it really bothers me on some level that my openness to him is not entirely a choice.
First and foremost, above and outside the constructs of D/s and our emotional involvement, he is my friend, my very best friend. He is the one I dreamed of as a child, the strong hand who takes yours and pulls you out of the dark and comforts you. I believe that every dream and desire of comfort and nurturing I harbored in my young life is manifested in this man. If I never were to see him in the flesh again in my life, if I could not belong to him, I know that I could trust him with my secrets to my grave, that he would always be my friend as he is now, if nothing else.
Perhaps it's due to that precious and rare connection and the stark fear of it's loss, that I worry I've somehow fooled him. I think he doesn't see through me, that somehow I've tricked him into loving me and wanting me, and that some day he'll wake up and realize how unlovable I am. It's not without merit, this fear, because that's kind of what's happened in my past ... I've rushed into things with men who didn't understand me. I've been rejected for my submissive nature, when it was perceived to be passive or needy or weak, I've had lovers be disgusted with my sexual fantasies of being controlled and my masochistic tendencies.
But my Sir knows those things about me. Of course, in my head there are a million other things to worry about. Thousands of small flaws and imperfections in my personality I try to shield from his regard. I worry sometimes, how I can dare make love to a man who I cannot fool? I know he watches my every move and sigh, nothing I do escapes his notice. The very thing I live for - to be the object of his focused attention - is the same thing I have to fear if I want him to continue to think well of me.
When I had my oldest child, it was the first time in my life that I loved someone. I could see immediately what a wonderful and amazing little person he was. I remember thinking, if I could have such a sweet, perfect baby, then I couldn't be that bad. Thank goodness he came first, and not my second child who was a little more fussy and who seemed to not bond with me as quickly as my first child - I would have been a basket case! By then I was somewhat more sane in my impressions and understanding of parenting and love.
But I think of that now. If such a person as my Sir, with all his insight and his ability to see through people can love me and want me, all of me, not just my body or this part but not THAT part ... then how bad could I be really? Is there a corner of my mind he hasn't explored? I can't think of one. He has seen me at my very worst, my lowest, my weakest and most hateful and still can claim me, even after those unattractive displays.
He makes me want to be better - he's the reason I try when I want to give up. When I won't do things for myself, I will do them because myself is no longer mine. I belong to him and because of that I must try to be as good as I can.
It's just a strange dichotomy. I'm generally a happy person. I realize I sound as though I have terrible self-esteem, but it's not true at all times. It just seems that the more I love him and the more I experience his patience and stability and strength, the less worthy of him I feel in comparison.
But the wonderful thing is that I can tell him these things about me, my fears, knowing that he is on my side, and that he will shelter me even from myself and these thoughts, if needed, until I can open up and exhale, let go in full trust that he will catch me.
The feelings you express here mirror ones I have had for years. And I find them difficult to put into words for myself.
ReplyDeleteVery well said.