Love and Submission Part I

I'll start this out by saying I'm jumping on the bandwagon, as there has been a running theme among several other bloggers on submission and love. lil at Submissive Sanctuary wrote about her feeling at times as if she only wants to submit to her husband on her terms, and cited several other blog posts that related to the subject of love and this other crazy little thing called submission.

I had read some of these blog posts already, and as often happens I am either struck with recognition of myself in the words and experiences of others, or given a deeper insight at least into how this works for other people. In greengirl's blog What I Wonder, she wrote about submission being the end in and of itself, whether its just a response to dominance or if it is or should be an end, something one does without needing that acknowledgement or awareness or initiation of the other. I found I related to this perspective quite a bit, that it is an end in itself.

Greengirl inspired Aisha to write this post, where she mentions the need for there to be an awareness or willingness of the other to dominate, which I'm not entirely certain I agree with in all cases. I have experienced both ends of the spectrum, with a dominant personality who unknowingly inspires submissive reactions, as well as those who knowingly impose their will.

This has become a chain of sorts, as sin has written a post as well, which is the one that convinced me I really wanted to weigh in with my perspective. She mentioned marriages that have become D/s and been altered or improved and I do have some experience in that as well.

I am submissive generally and somewhat indiscriminately. It's a part of myself I'm uncomfortable with and that I try to hide in most circumstances. I think the discomfort with it is that I always perceived it as a need for attention, not for submission. I didn't know the word submissive existed until a few years ago, was unaware that it was a verb, or a personality characteristic. My need for attention is something I felt ashamed of, in part because I've done some really stupid things to get it.

I like to help people, to make their lives better, to please. This manifests and has manifested all of my life, in school, at work. Whether the authority figure was a professor, a director or a boss I always sought approval, and even more, to be special and closer to that person in authority than any of the other students, workers, actors etc.

I do this furtively as I of course resist the impression of being a brown noser or attempting to be the teachers pet, and it's never been for any kind of personal gain with regard to getting some kind of privilege others don't. It's just been a desire for closeness and connection with a dominant authority, even if that other one is unaware of it, and even if it is only within the parameters of that situation.

Submission of this sort is not sexual at all, but it's another kind of satisfaction. I enjoy nurturing, helping, doing things for others. This helps me be a better mother, and a better employee and friend - when I feel safe enough to do and be this way for people.

I have had bad experiences, mostly with employers because there isn't that reciprocity and loyalty - I've found you can do the best job you can, work very hard at your job and still be abused. I think for some reason the type of personality who best inspires that brand of "submissive" behavior at work is also the type of personality who tends to be a bit abrasive and dismissive. I've had bosses with terrible tempers, who enjoyed venting their anger and taking it out on everyone. For awhile I'd be the one who could calm them, fix their problem, be the only one NOT being attacked - however this kind of special status is only temporary. One minute you walk on water, the next, no matter how hard you try to fix things for them, they eventually turn their ire onto you.

But I have found the same physical reactions in these kind of "D/s" work relationships as in love relationships. Heart pounding, stomach nervous and anxiousness, a keen awareness of the comings and goings of the boss, almost a telepathic ability to read the mood and predict how the day will go, just based on what time they arrive in the morning.

So I would disagree with the concept that in all circumstances the dominant needs to be willing to participate in this kind of exchange, or that there needs to be love involved in D/s. There are some personalities which are so strong and dominant by nature, and some circumstances that are so inherently skewed with regard to power, that for me at least, they will pull out submissive responses and reactions.

These aren't sexual responses, but they provide some level of excitement, a sense of fulfillment in my day, as well as a set of walls - a space where this experience is played out, but also a space that can be left at the end of the day to provide a reprieve. This is true whether it's a workplace, or a classroom, or a church turned community theater space.