Decision

I am soon to be a nation of one, sole subject and slave to my Sir, who has decided it is time to make me his completely. I feel as if I'm an orphan about to be adopted, a lost pet in a shelter about to go home.

Until a few months ago, I was unaware of this longing. My Sir, shortly after we met years ago, never described me in terms of slavery. He mentioned former slaves, discussed the concept of slavery hypothetically, but I felt that my own level of submissive capabilities not only fell short of what was required of a slave, but that he did not desire such a creature in his life. I put it out of my mind for us.

I don't think I've ever been involved with anyone who is as obsessed with me as I am with him. I'm not certain obsession is the correct word. The only thing close to it I've experienced is the intense mutual interest of getting to know my newborn children, the innocent co-dependence of having another in your head constantly, the missing sensations when apart, the completeness, bordering on relief of being together.

Of course it's very very different in many other ways - but it just calls to my mind the sudden knowledge of complete and full connectedness to another I experienced when I became a mother. I'd never felt that for any adult before now.

So, almost by accident I learned that he did want this kind of closeness with me. The discussion of a contract arose several months ago, I had asked if he'd considered one, because I really wanted to understand what he expects of me. He said he only used them with slaves, and I immediately felt the awkwardness I've felt in the past - one time in particular when I'd practically begged him to collar me and he gently redirected me off the subject.

However this time, he inquired if I felt I was ready. And at the time, in that moment, I was certain yes, before my logic and doubt and worry began to set in.

I felt fear of failing at a higher standard of accountability. A fear of some potential loss of the relationship entirely if I didn't meet expectations, an acceleration of a certain end. Commitments in my past have always been the beginning of the end, the moment when one turns from being one thing into another, that always, always culminates in a parting, and where the common denominator is me.

Finally, though, after reviewing our history, and realizing I couldn't imagine any other resolution of our fates, nor can I imagine a future he is not a part of... I decided if he felt I was ready, then I am and let go of my fear.

I agreed without reservation to become his slave.