Enslaved

I've entered into arrangements with men before. I've never before entered into one quite like this, however. I've known my Master for several years, longer than I knew my ex-husband before we began to live together and longer even than I knew him before we were married.

Within that time, I've come to trust and admire and adore my Sir as I have no other person. We have the usual lover-associated feelings I imagine everyone else in love has - physical attraction, the trust and intensity that I know accompanies many D/s relationships. He is also my best friend, and has been so, has seen me through so much.

He is my steadfast ally, the keeper of my many secrets and secret fears, and I owe him the sort of fealty owed to one who has saved your life on many levels. I suspect he may know me in some ways better than I know myself. However, I know the dark places he has saved me from, the places I take myself mentally when I'm feeling afraid and alone in the world. In my most lost moments, going through a bitter divorce and custody battle and in danger of losing it, turning to things that would have harmed me further and possibly guaranteed the loss of my child, it was his hand that came in and stopped me from destroying myself and everything important to me.

There have been days I stayed in bed the entire day grieving the state of my life, unable to present myself at work - my Sir has stayed with me for hours, comforting me as I cried with words of encouragement, or informing me of hard truths I needed to face in order to pick myself up again.

Though he knew I would have done anything asked of me, he asked for nothing during those early times. I owe this man everything, and can never repay him.

With these thoughts and emotions flowing through my mind and heart, I knelt in front of him, reading aloud my promises from the contract he wrote for us. Our favorite music was playing, artists we both love, lyrics we've sent to each other to read that we thought expressed our love and emotions best. He braided my long hair as he sat behind me, weaving a leather whip remnant through it to tie it up and out of the way, lovingly and gently kissing my shoulder now and then as I read, stopping me at points to ask if I understood, to clarify his meaning of specific points.

Leaning over me, next, he read his promises and vows - my heart skipping with happiness at each intonation of his voice that I love to hear so much. He wore his glasses to read, and I find him so sexy, so much my daddy when he wears those, he may as well have been reading me a night time story about a princess and her Master. My skin shivered with response as he'd bend over to read in my ear.

He told me how much he loved me, how pleased he was to have me as his, how long he had wanted this for us. As always, I felt inept and tongue-tied in his presence, giddy as an idiot, feeling about as un-womanly as I could be... I always feel like a girl around him, shy and unable to believe that he's chosen me, knowing my flaws as he does. He always knows the right things to say, the right way to put them - while I express myself best in writing.

A small part of me dwelled on my fears, in the middle of my solemn and serious joy and sense of fulfillment in the moment. As right as everything felt, I was agreeing to let him do anything he chose to me. He can mark me, with a brand or a bruise if he decides. He can punish me if I'm disobedient or careless. I no longer have a safeword, although I've never used one with him before, it's absence is almost a presence of it's own.

My fears, however aren't truly about a fear of Him. My Master has always been good to me, I know and have experienced what he wants and it's always been what is in the long run best for me, the things that keep me safe and untroubled. My legitimate fears were about my own potential for error.

What if I let him down, disappoint him and he regrets taking me on? He knows I'm compliant sexually. What woman wouldn't be - he's tender and intense and sexy and thrilling ...? Those things are easy for me with him, he can bring me to a state where anything he desired I'd give. Pain is erotic to me, so I don't fear that so much - I know he won't do anything I won't be able to fine a way to endure and probably enjoy, even it it's only the enjoyment of surrendering to him.

It's my independence and my will that will be tricky. Those are the areas where my obedience is an effort at times. I have to learn to think of him first, learn to hesitate and ask for permission, rather than act in certain situations. I have to stop relying on my own preferences and my own wish to avoid reviewing my actions and feelings, interpreting my behavior. I need to realize and accept there are some choices and decisions I'm no longer allowed to make on my own.