A Task and a Puzzle

I used to have these puzzles when I was a child - little plastic squares with smaller squares inside, little tiles that you slid around, but could never remove, you just shifted until you put the picture together. That's what submission feels like at times, as if I'm shifting my tiles around to form a picture I can't quite see.

I received a message the other night from my Sir, indicating that he wanted photos of me, that night, nudes. The feelings that rose up inside me are difficult to recount precisely, as I shoved them away immediately. I'd been feeling particularly close to him the days prior, we were approaching a visit and of course I love, in the right time, taking photos and thinking of him as I do so and working on them in the computer before I send them to him. Photography is one of my hobbies and I enjoy having a project.

This was different, though. It was approaching evening and I'd been working all day on other projects waiting for the time when I could get some other things done - I had a list, but wasn't to start until after a set time (well, my child's bedtime). Suddenly all my free time at the end of the day was gone. I wore no make up, my hair was pulled back into a tie, my room was messy, would have to be cleaned before I could start, and I needed to pack an overnight bag for my visit to my Sir.

I suppose, were we living together, this would be considered the equivalent of a demand for sex when I wasn't "in the mood". So, shifting my priorities and plans around, and about as stressed and unhappy and feeling as unsexy as possible I set about doing what I could immediately, rather than relaxing prior to bedtime as had been the plan.

I packed, applied make up, tried to do something with my hair, made sure my camera battery was charged, picked up my room so there wouldn't be a debris field in the background of my photos.

When the time came, little one brushed and tucked in and kissed, I worked efficiently to take my photos. I'd put on a loose fitting outfit so I wouldn't have elastic marks, I set up the light I needed, my tripod, my backdrop (black sheet over the bed) and took a few test shots. I then got out the remote, and realized it had been so long since I'd used it I couldn't recall how to set my shutter to fire with it. This required research, but I had no time - I needed to get these done so I could write to my Sir and have a visit before I slept. My stress level rose, and I had to push out the slight annoyance at his last minute order. If I'd known earlier I would have arranged my day differently.

When I figured this out, then the battery in the remote was out and I couldn't fix it. Exasperated, frustrated, failed and defeated I sent my Sir a note, explaining the problem. He replied that using my phone was fine, and immediately I relaxed. As if it had never been there, my tension dissolved, the way it always seems to do when I turn to him with any problem.

I set up my full length mirror horizontally, moved the light, threw my backdrop over the end of my bed and took some photos of myself through the mirror, using my camera in my hands as I would a model and just avoiding my face - too bad I'd applied make up but oh well.

My Sir loved the photos, complimented me and seemed genuinely appreciative. My relief, joy, happiness at having been able to fulfill this task was immense.

However, what I've noticed is that whenever he gives me anything do to, my first response is inevitably panic, frustration, even mild resentment, fears of failing and fears that he's setting me up somehow to fail. It never is the case once I calm down. These are always things within my ability, doable within the time frame, and I usually get it right the first time. It just requires I shift myself around a bit inside, to mold around the task, and myself around him.