I struggle with boundaries and limits. Identifying, setting, and adhering to them. Its bad enough when they're my own, I can change them at a whim then, with only myself to answer to. I may feel regret afterwards, or be angry at myself, or frustrated at whatever situation or person contributed to the breach. Not surprisingly the boundaries I try to set involve less self-disclosure ... even as I write here relatively anonymously I recognize the need within me that I dislike, to share things about myself that maybe I should not. Part of it is exhibitionism, sure. Being a girl who has always been burdened with secrets, I rationalize that it's my need to steal the power from them that leads to the violations. Maybe. I think other times it might be motivated by the searching for the one I could tell my secrets to who wouldn't see them and look away.
Boundaries around my body are different. I don't like to negotiate, to set limits. I think part of it is a lack of knowing what I want and don't want - do this, maybe I'll like it, maybe not - it depends. Sometimes I like things only if they're forced on me, there are things I want that I might never agree to because that would be admitting it. I'm an adrenaline junkie, I get bored, I find drama. Boundaries keep drama out. Another side of myself I dislike, but without it, am I even me?
Having boundaries set for me by someone else is difficult. It's so easy to just say do what you want to me, or to obey, to learn to not resist, to hold still. I'm the perfect toy, because I will do almost anything. Its getting me to not do things that can be a struggle.
It isn't that I don't want to please, it's just so hard to do things someone else's way. I can't think of a time before now when I've done that, or even tried to. Instead I do them my way, and try to fuck someone into still wanting me, use my body to impose my will onto them. I do things my way and scare others away - after all, if you have no self control or limits, if you can't learn to reign yourself in or be reigned in, are you safe? Not only for yourself, but are you safe for someone who needs to be in control?
This is how I found myself at a play party - not playing. I dressed the part, short skirt, fuck-me heels, tummy revealing top. But I wore a push up bra, padded in case errant hands tried to pinch my nipples and full panties (blue) in case my skirt was lifted, rather than go without or wear a thong. These days my body is no longer mine, and therefore I cannot give bits of it away randomly. So I avoid eye contact with former play partners who might otherwise use it as a signal to grab me and begin beating, as in the past. I move away from the inquiring flick of a cane tapping my skirt as I pass. I eye the bench where I've had nearly every man presently in the room take turns trying to make me cry out in the past, where all I could do was giggle and ask to be hit harder. I sit there, watching the other bottoms squirm and scream ... not letting the thing out that wants to rear its head, or at least lift an eyebrow. I could be there, I wouldn't scream - the way I play usually gets attention which I always crave. So many people, so many new people who would be shocked or scared by what can be done to me before I'll scream.
I chatted, tortured myself by watching, smiled, tried not to be envious when I conversed with my friend, obviously high on endorphins. Left after a long hour and a half ... time moves so much faster when you engage and allow yourself to lose track, so slowly when you're being obedient.
The entire time I thought of my Sir, of his wishes for me, his requirements and most of all what consequence to disobedience. It wasn't that I couldn't play. I just would have had to talk to someone, negotiate, and then run it past him first for ultimate permission. Talking, negotiation, not skills I'm used to employing, so I don't play until I get up the nerve.
One success. I feel no triumph, just the relief at not displeasing him, trying to make myself feel something other than the desire to never attend another party under those conditions. It felt like wandering through a warm rainstorm in a plastic suit. What's the point? No emotion, no fear, no suspense or potential for anything unexpected to happen. Very safe, though.
I console myself I'm doing things his way, this is how he wants me, he's pleased. And I have to admit, its calmer, definitely not the roller coaster of endorphins, then returning home alone to get droppy, bruised and sore and weepy and alone the next day.
But are those the only alternatives? Maybe, for right now anyway. I don't see much else around me, only the extremes.
Another boundary today. I may not go someplace I really want to be. His reasons are valid, although he was disappointed I wanted to know why, that "because" wasn't good enough. There's a whole world of other places I can go and things I can do. But, because it's not allowed, its the only thing that appeals to me.
I slept instead. Instead of walking or writing, or reading or watching a movie. I crawled into bed and shut down.
It would be easier if he just wanted to play S&M games. Or sex games. Control in sex is a huge turn on. D/s outside of it is making me squirmy. I don't inhabit my own body the same way. Its much more difficult for me to accept this kind of control.
Its bringing back to me a couple of other times I've been very drawn to someone, someone who probably didn't know they were dominant, but who I have lost because of doing things my way. I'm trying to not mess this up. It seems I'm emotionally in a position where if I do fail, it will hurt an incredible amount.
But I do wonder, can I do this? Maybe it should be easier, if it were the right thing, wouldn't it be? Its not that I wouldn't do anything for him, but this "not" doing things for him is what's cost me vanilla relationships. I suppose I thought there would be fewer restrictions in this world. That how I am naturally would be enough, would be okay. Or maybe he's targeting my boundaries in this way because it is the most difficult thing, or because he knows it's best for me?
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