surrender, dorothy

When I decided to begin this blog and needed to choose a name, I had some difficulty. Most of the blogs I read that touch on similar subjects involve the word "submission". However, I don't feel that I fit the typical "profile" of a submissive. Surrender seems to me to be the more appropriate word for how I engage in a D/s context.

Letting go of my own sense of "the way" and allowing something else to be imposed upon it requires that I surrender, not merely submit. Or at least that's how it feels to me.

Accepting guidance, even when I know its needed and may be more appropriate than my own way requires a conscious act, not just a submitting, but a letting go as well - hence the feeling of surrendering. Abandoning the thing I cling to that gets in the way.

A couple of days ago, I asked Daddy to explain to me how he sees something, how he looks at it and understands it, a situation in our lives that we differ on. I wouldn't say its a disagreement, but more of a perspective. I hoped, by understanding his view, that I would be able to embrace it and therefore avoid the consequences that arise from my own view.

I haven't got his answer yet, but the basis for my question was, I think, a fear that we view the circumstance dramatically differently. I wanted validation of my own viewpoint, either a reassurance that it was in line with his own, or perhaps the discovery that his was so very different, and I could adopt his point of view and save myself some ... thinking and plotting.

But it hit me overnight somehow, that I don't need to understand his perspective at all. I don't need to be like him, to adopt his views, or agree with them. I simply can just adhere to the agreement between us to understand his wishes and if not that, to do things his way, to obey. I don't have to change myself or my thinking, just let go of it, even if momentarily.

What I find, though, is sort of anticlimactic. Maybe it's just peace. But without the struggle, internal or otherwise, its ... vanilla?

Last week, my mind was set on adventures, outings, parties, events I wanted to attend that he put limits on. I dressed carefully, knowing he'd approve or disapprove the outfit prior to my leaving. I got permission prior to everything, throwing myself into a veiled tantrum when he said no.

It's as if a switch has been flipped somehow. It's the weekend. And I've lost all desire for engagement in kink activities. The people I wanted so desperately to see ... meh - I saw them, they're still there, nothing really has changed since I've been gone. My desire to be beaten has withered. The excitement and suspense that once accompanied interactions in the scene and community have just evaporated.

It may be temporary. But in some ways it's a relief. There is nothing I want to do that is forbidden, out of line with his wishes, or even in the general neighborhood of what he normally regulates. The influence of his will may need to become more personal and less global, I suppose, for me to feel it's confines.