I have nothing to prove. There is no prize for minding, for being a good girl. My transgressions have normally been of the kind where I'm just clueless as to what it is that I've done wrong. Understanding how to be in tune with my Master is a struggle, was a struggle since early on. I never meant to do a single thing that was anathema to his will. He seemed puzzled at how blithely I did my own thing, I know he tried to not break my spirit. Now I fear it's set too well, the awareness of his mind within my own.
In the past, my errors were of a disregard for my safety. I didn't set appropriate boundaries when I interacted with play partners. I took risks, accepting car rides, trusting too easily. I'm not as careful with my body or with my life, actually, as he wants me to be. I wanted him to do these things for me, to make the decisions, speak to my partners, say yes to this, no to that. On some level it was the hotness of being given to another to play with that I wanted, the being withheld from someone who wanted to toy with me, the exertion of his power and control of me, his ownership displayed openly. On the other hand, it was also me just wanting to avoid making those choices on my own ... I like being told what to do, what not to do - as long as it's what I want anyway. He wants, I speculate here, for me to assume his values and mores, to incorporate them into my own processes and apply them independently. Again with the offering ... so I'm not to merely be told what to do, I must instead absorb what to do without instruction - offer anticipatory obedience rather than just minding him?
My Sir is protective of me. But sometimes caution is so boring. I like excitement and risk, I enjoy doing things I shouldn't be doing, the danger, the chance of being caught. I like to do things I'm not quite ready for, drive too fast. Tell me someone or something is dangerous or forbidden and it's as if a beacon turns onto that one thing, lingering in my mind to tempt me constantly.
So, right now I may not attend kink events. It's for a good reason, has been a wise decision he made that served me well. And in a very short time from now this restriction will be over. But suddenly my awareness of the things I'm missing and my itch to go do them has overwhelmed me. The opportunities are numerous and enticing. And my Master is otherwise occupied at the moment.
I made a decision to go to an event tonight. I thought about it, weighed the risks in my mind and decided it was safe. I heard his voice in my mind, knowing he would say to wait until the time he had set for me, but I pushed it away.
For a bit, I felt fine with my decision. It is, after all, ultimately my life, right? I wasn't going to let anyone touch me, its my life but his body, so I could protect what was his and just socialize harmlessly with what is mine. Then I began to worry, who might see me there? Do they know him? Would they report to him that they saw me, innocently for sure, but still. How could I avoid that potential? A disguise? Furthermore, as my habit is to tell him my plans, what was I to do about that? Lie? An outright black and white, no question of nuance lie, as to my plans? Or lie by omission? Or lie by claiming an accident - "I thought it was just a normal event at a bar, not one of THOSE parties"?
I knew that wouldn't work, I'm too transparent to him. He would see through it in an instant, in fact even thinking of lying to him began to make me nervous - I worry at times he has a special sense that lets him know when I'm thinking of doing something I shouldn't. I find myself telling him things that there is no reason he could ever know, except that he seems to meander through my mind at times and know things there is no way he should.
So I sat down, finally to write him a note - letting him know where I was going and what I was doing and why. Something along the lines of "I've chosen to disobey you, although I can't recall if it's just a recommendation or an order" and perhaps asking his forgiveness in advance, knowing he'd be extremely displeased, hoping it wouldn't be taken as a sign I wanted to be released, hoping the punishment wouldn't be silence. I intended to put in my note that I would take full responsibility should any negative event occur in my life as a result of my taking this risk, no matter how small.
I didn't get two sentences into it before abandoning the project. I want to go. But although he's not here, I know the answer. I think if he were here, if we could discuss it, he might agree with me the risks were minimal. He might even be persuaded against his better judgement to allow it. But absent that grudging permission, if I disobey him ... telling him of my intention to do so, even having thought it out, how will he feel? What will he do? Its almost worse to disobey after such prolonged consideration, isn't it?
I don't know if its the fear of punishment, or of his disappointment, or of what it would say about our dynamic if I do something I want to rather than what he wants me to do. Its not fair. He should be here with me, then, if he says no. Its not necessary, he should be reasonable and see that. Shouldn't he be happy with me that I'm not contriving to lie, that although it crossed my mind that I could do so and get away with it, I chose instead to advertise my failure to obey, to telegraph my disobedience?
But I can't. Maybe it's my need to follow the rules of the game? Some childish extension of needing to color within the lines, even though I hate it when I do that and will color outside them just because I catch myself at staying within them? But then, if I break one of the most basic and simple rules...
I'm a grown up, its just a game, right? I can walk out that door and do whatever I want and he'll probably never find out or by the time he does, the danger will have passed and I'll have been proven right, nothing happened as a result of my risk. But he'll know, then, that when it comes down to my will or his, which one I choose. And I can't bear the idea of looking into his eyes if it came to that.
I really want to go. But instead I stay and I write, my brain in turmoil, not quite understanding. Is bending my will to his a choice I make, I do have a choice, right - or am I past that? There is no prize for being a good girl. I have nothing to prove...so why?
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